theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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