when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
