this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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