Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
