We're facebook friends in real life
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
