I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
