now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
