Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize