Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
