Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
When are your genitals available?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
