My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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