i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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