69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
