I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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