My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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