i don't like sucking hair
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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