bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Shame - the story of my life.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
