My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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