I haven't been this sober since birth.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize