my phone needs a breathalizer
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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