he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize