Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
