saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
