You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
