Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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