I think I won the penis lottery.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
