I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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