Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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