how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
