i love accidental penises.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
