My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
