My nipple is on Facebook.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
