Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
