Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
