I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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