just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
