woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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