why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
