I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
