Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
