tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
