Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
