Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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