I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He passed out mid-signature
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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