oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
