im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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