we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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