He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
