i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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