lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
