I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
