dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
time to smoke my breakfast
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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