a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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