I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Let's get the cat blown out
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
