My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
