he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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