My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
